It’s not easy to talk about. Some days I have to choke back the tears.
I get asked the basic questions:
Why did I move here?
How could you leave Seattle?
Often, when you need a big change, you have to jump and trust the net to appear.
That's what I did.
“The secret of life, though, is to fall seven times and to get up eight times.” ― Paulo Coelho, The Alchemist
I am no stranger to the falls. To get up more gracefully is my new practice.
On a camping trip in '99 with my then to-be husband, we traveled the coast of Maine. Near East Machias, Something stirred deeply, It felt very old and Familiar beyond my understanding. I find it difficult to describe with words, I felt as if I had been here, at another time. Perhaps in a previous life. I belonged here. My heart felt at home.
He did not feel the same. I expressed my dreams of moving to Maine and often spoke of the possibility. Then, with no one to dream with, I let the dream just....die. I buried it deeply under the routine of married life with children. Then.... simply.... it was completely forgotten.
I buckled down into the role of a fisherman's wife and wore that like a badge of honor. Essentially, I lost myself. Completely. A shadow of my former self. How did I allow that to happen? I cannot even understand as I look back on it now, with clear open eyes.
"Tell your heart that the fear of suffering is worse than the suffering itself. And that no heart has ever suffered when it goes in search of its dreams, because every second of the search is a second's encounter with God and with eternity.” ― Paulo Coelho, The Alchemist
In an effort to create something for myself and to maintain autonomy, I managed to cultivate a life within the relationship that nurtured my own interests. He did not like that. It challenged him. I am far from traditional. Why he couldn't see that was beyond me. I lived a very bohemian lifestyle when we met. We divorced.
With the guidance of an elder, I continued to go forward, falling several times, in search of my dreams. I had many Mountains to climb and Dragons to fight in order to be able to see and reclaim that which was lost in the foggy seas of a drowning life.
My kids were my beacons, like the lighthouses on the craggy, rocky shores, Providing light to keep me safe in the angry tumultuous swells and rising currents. They kept me heading in the direction of my dreams. Without them, I would surely have lost my way and been swallowed into the darkness of unmeasurable depths.
My mom died during this most difficult time. She was diagnosed with lung cancer and died within 3 weeks. The days of reckoning are as difficult as you have heard. The acceptance of life's dealings and time line are mandatory for inner peace and cannot be outsmarted. No amount of wishing will alter the course.
Surrender to the unenforceable is the way of the wounded warrior.
With Grace and a deep desire to develop my values and work towards my goals...I persisted.
With so much yet to be said, I must take a break for now and come back to this at another time. Emotionally, this excavates my buried truths that must be exposed. In small doses.