Tonight grief hit me like a ton of bricks. I had a breakdown/breakthrough
it’s October 23, 2019....
20 years ago today I got married, but that’s not why I had a breakdown/breakthrough. I’m not married anymore and I’m not sad that I’m not married anymore.
I had a breakdown because old buried feelings came up.
Grief has a way of showing up when you least expect it. It doesn’t have a timeline. It doesn’t follow any kind of clean orderly direction and it doesn’t fit into any kind of tidy, clean package. Life is messy.
Life is really, really messy sometimes.
Here’s how simply this happened. A friend generously offered me a drafting table she thought would be useful to me. I like to draw, create, make things. I'm an artist. I agreed to have a look.
The day came to to drive over to pick up the table. I’d never been to her house before. I just happened to choose the 20th anniversary of my wedding to go over. Not only that, it’s also the three year anniversary month that my son and I moved into our house here in Maine, all the way across the country, from Seattle.
The exact date we moved in is October 8, 2016. On October 8, 2009 I was divorced. On October 8, 2014 my son and I were visiting Maine to see if we wanted to move here.
A lot of significant things have happened for me in October. None of this is relevant to anyone besides me.
I drove down the long dirt road to her house in the woods that sits up among trees on an outcropping. I believe she faces west and can probably watch the sunset. Much like we could from our house in the woods, in Seattle.
Off in the woods was a sweet little cottage. It was immediately clear the cottage is a special place on this charming, wooded, well loved piece of land. Everywhere I looked was tended with such love and care. There were benches, planted containers, baskets of branches, flowers, pathways lined with special stones. The space undoubtedly radiated so much love.
My friend came out of the little green cottage, waving and calling out "I’m over here" I replied "am I in the right place?" she responded "yes of course, come on over here, this is my little studio" as I stepped out of the driveway into the woods, walking towards the rustic and oh so Artfully decorated charming little cottage, my heart racing. I was overcome with heaviness. I choked back tears.
My emotions swept me away. It happened in a flash- the hidden away memories of living in a house in the woods with my children came gushing forward. Loving, playing, gardening, eating, dreaming. Peaceful, Calm, Deeply Connected to nature.
Surrounded by intentionally placed piles of rocks, falling leaves, lush foliage, collections of interesting sticks and found feathers.
I remembered something about myself, that I had turned my back on. Feelings of love. Mostly because I had felt abandoned by God.
I used to live in a place like that, a place so full of love, so close to nature. This was very familiar. Yet so very, very distant. I used to have faith. I used to trust in something greater than myself. I used to love in a bigger way. I used to love myself.
I used to.
I grabbed the desk, thanked my friend and high tailed it so fast out of there before I let the tears start flowing. I went to see my friend and she let me messy cry. Just cry and cry and cry. Messy messy messy.
Love. It doesn’t come from outside of us From relationships with others. It's our relationship with ourselves and our connections to a power greater than ourselves. It's an energy. Pure positive energy. Cultivated by a surrender to the unenforceable.
(July 25, 2021 I discovered this saved draft. Having just posted the Belle if Maine Creative Arts Center post, I've found my love has been buried awhile
And can develop and flourish still. The fire was smoldering...waiting to ignite.