When Trauma is inflicted, it impresses itself in our psyche. DNA and cellular being.
Even when deeply impactful and positive emotional things happen, Its the same- it affects us on a cellular level.
We often don't know how to distinguish the 2 in terms of our emotional response and how to navigate really good experiences because it's being compared to the really negative one. We don't even know we are comparing it...our body reacts, we react.
Our body remembers the trauma or the very positive event, though not in the same way the brain remembers it.
This is a human dilemma for survival I suppose. The Fight or flight reactions.
Once we feel this, we either react to our environment and run away or learn to move towards the positive experiences. Distinction is not clear for many victims of abuse. When it's positive, we don't know how to handle it, as we likely haven't processed the negative experiences enough to know that we're worthy of these good experiences.
That's what i'm experiencing right now.
31 years ago I was in a very emotionally, physically and sexually abusive relationship. It was a house of hidden trauma and violence. Abusers don't show themselves as such until you're deeply invested and seemingly "trapped"
I managed to escape and save my own life and have slowly reclaimed a sense of self again. Not without repeating the same choices, as that's not an easy thing to recognize in oneself.
That relationship deeply scarred me in ways I couldn't understand intellectually for years to come. Though my body gave me several signs towards better decision making, I repeated bad choices to my own detriment more times than I care to admit.
Simultaneously, I was very blessed and have experienced some very supportive, kind and gentle people who demonstrated loving compassionate ways of being. I didn't fully grasp the enormity of importance in those examples at the time either.
Our minds can convince us to protect us from certain truths until we are ready to handle them. I cannot judge this good nor bad, I think it just is. Until we're ready, we aren't ready. That's that.
Like a month, slamming itself into false sun's, we repeat. Slowly killing ourselves. Until one day, we listen to the deep inner voice. The one that's warning us against our own decisions. Why is this easier for some and harder for others? I don't know.
(**I've been in fight or flight mode for many years. Running from, Running towards)
Fearing abandonment, fearing connection. The fire burns hottest with the thrill of danger. Like a moth to the light, my wings become the tools carrying me towards what I crave. Constantly banging myself against false suns.
This is the addiction. Compulsion to do what is killing me slowly. Like the alcoholics and addicts who cannot see what others know to be true. ** this quote from my blog post https://www.verajohnson.net/post/2018/07/02/a-reasonable-or-justifiable-self-respect )
Timing is everything.
When we know better we do better. When we fully embrace deserving more than we've settled for, we become increasingly magnetic to that which is meant to be for us.
Lately, I have been giving myself what I truly deserve, loving myself as Noone else can. I've grown and matured trusting myself to know what I want and need.
I know big things are coming my way. I will be patient and have faith.
Providence.
The moment one definitely commits oneself. Providence moves in, raising in one's favor all manner of unforeseen incidents, meetings and material assistance which no man could have dreamt would have come his way.
Support and guidance that come from something greater than oneself. You're forward motion puts you in sync with the greater movement of the universe, enabling you to avail yourself to the myriad opportunities it can provide you. This Unforeseen assistance is one of the many benefits that higher forces can grant you. It's subject to the same rules. You can't control forces from outside. You have to become like them in order to tap into their energy. Adversity is the only way the universe can increase our inner strength. Adversity is the weight against which you develop your inner strength.
WH MURRAY
So true